THE LONELINESS OF OTHERS

RELATIONSHIPS

One of the unlikeliest ideas we can entertain of people, especially those we are drawn to or respect, is that they might, beneath it all, be lonely. We know so much about our own sense of isolation; how it has been with us from the start, began in kindergarten, haunted us at school, didn’t quite leave us at university and has dogged us intermittently throughout our adult lives. We know how badly we ache to find an echo in others’ hearts of a range of our own fears and melancholy insights. However, we are terrified that, were we to try to unburden ourselves, we would meet with only puzzlement or jollity or changes of subject. The loneliness of others remains an abstract, almost unreal proposition. It simply doesn't seem plausible that many of the feelings of freakishness and shame we know so well might be besetting friends, acquaintances or thoughtful-looking strangers we pass by in the street. We are all such masters at conveying purpose, invulnerability, good cheer and busy-ness. We have congenital difficulties letting on about the grave difficulties of being human. What should make us feel more confident — and therefore readier to reach out to others — is that there are so many very good reasons why anyone decent might be lonely: because social life is governed by appalling pressures to lie and disguise one’s real state of mind; because the conditions of existence – fairly considered — should breed despair and misanthropy, because our ideas are far stranger but also sweeter, kinder and sillier than we know how to admit. We hold back from other people because we refuse the thought that they might be as troubled and sad as we are. What should stop us being so reserved — and at moments give us the courage to build friendships and begin love affairs — is not a sudden burst of steeliness, but a stronger conviction that everyone else is necessarily deep down as messed up and craving reassurance as we are. We might more often dare to say hello.

This article is from The School Of Life

Comments

CLASSICISM

At present, our culture is dominated by a Romantic outlook; its predecessor, and in many ways its more deserving alternative, is a Classical view of life. Classicism is founded upon an intense, pessimistic awareness of the frailties of human nature and on a suspicion of unexamined instinct. The Classical attitude knows that our emotions can frequently over-power our better insights, that we repeatedly misunderstand ourselves and others, and that we are never far from folly, harm and error. In response, Classicism seeks via culture to correct the failings of our minds. Classicism is wary of our instinctive longing for perfection. In love, it counsels a gracious acceptance of the ‘madness’ inside each partner. It knows that ecstasy cannot last, and that the basis of all good relationships must be tolerance and mutual sympathy. Classicism has a high regard for domestic life; it sees apparently minor practical details as deeply worthy of care and effort; it doesn’t think it would be degrad...

Dive In »

AGAINST SKIING HOLIDAYS

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a normal person in search of a holiday will enjoy skiing; they will delight in bracing mountain air, thrill at going down mogul dotted slopes and feel pleasantly exhausted after a day of parallel turns. This assumption about pleasure joins a host of others proposed by the modern world. Normal people will equally enjoy white wine, the Amalfi coast, the novels of Margaret Atwood, dogs, high heels, small children, Miami beach, oral sex, Banksy, marriage, Netflix and vegetarianism. We may legitimately delight in all of these elements; the issue lies in the immense pressure we are under to do so. The truth about ourselves may, in reality, be a great deal more mysterious than the official narrative allows. Whatever our commitments to decorum and good order, we may in our depths be far more distinctive than we’re supposed to be. We may — once we become sensitive to our faint tremors of authentic delight and boredom — hate the idea of jogging, the the...

Dive In »

FAME

Fame seems to offer very significant benefits. The fantasies go like this: when you are famous, wherever you go, your good reputation will precede you. People will think well of you, because your merits have been impressively explained in advance. You will get warm smiles from admiring strangers. You won’t need to make your own case laboriously on each occasion. When you are famous, you will be safe from rejection. You won’t have to win over every new person. Fame will mean that other people will be flattered and delighted even if you are only slightly interested in them. They will be amazed to see you in the flesh. They will ask to take a photo with you. They will sometimes laugh nervously with excitement. Furthermore, no one will be able to afford to upset you. When you’re not pleased with something, it will become a big problem for others. If you say your hotel room isn’t up to scratch, the management will panic. Your complaints will be taken very seriously. Your happiness will beco...

Dive In »

Petite Philosophy

Search This Blog